there is a sense of strong disappointment requiring my full attention. asserting itself with leaky eyes and routine tightness,, thought to be a desperate attempt of hope and simplicity gasping for fresh air. but the air is burned and all practicality is succumbing to the weakness of a day dream. its how a tender thought loses touch and how anticipation loses meaning..

 but then all of a sudden..


my heart remembered to sing...

I sometimes can't find any ground to lay on.

even when my world feels like collapsing and when I want to respond in hate,

You God know how to soften my heart, and strengthen my faith.

Oh my what a beautiful king! who attentively pursues and loves so intricately.

I'm amazed at who you are,

and I know you are watching

when I'm down on my knees with tears streaming down my face,

crying because I feel so far from your love and grace,

Your sweet heart it teaching me you are for me and not against me

even when I start believing lies and fail so frequently

its hard to believe your not disgusted.

with all that you are, Your a God in Love.

i think nothing compares. i hope you think i think your wonderful. i can't find enough words to fill in the blank, i hope you think i think your wonderful, the music to express; or the rhymes to sing,. i hope you think i think you are wonderful.




someone wonderful i think, should think they are thought about.

I don't ever want to miss being here with you like this,

swinging with you and your family pets is the most endearing place on earth as of 9-19-2009.

& getting to know you better- letting you know me.. best thing ive ever done.

today, I am unpacked.

sort through what you can,

find what you like

before i fold back up

and shutdown until next time

till you extend your hand, until next time i feel safe.

 I loved that for a few moment I had a beautiful blade of green grass wrapped around my finger.. in place of a ring.

.

the diagnosis: I live in my head too much.

my reception your perception I think is off. it gets easier and easer to turn my channel off.
though watching you read through the static lines is a little endearing all the effort you put forth to keep on hearing. hearing nothing though. cause i have a broken voice box i would know. it only comunicates in mixed feelings and nonsense. we'd both be better off with a smoke signal or a simple sign of distress. the one im wearing around my neck.. cause its what im feeling. I feel it all the time I hate im prone on reeling in lies. God You like to put things together and take them apart it might hurt a little but sort through my heart. im dreary and weary and tired of explaining that i feel weird. I want to be solid and to know your near. I know im not ready for a grave yet ive already started digging it just to be safe. I don't want him coming home to find is lover abondoning him,, lying on the floor cold. it cant! it cant happen. He needs me and I make him happy, He creates a softness I want to give back to be full circle I can't have any lack. Lord deliver me so that I can bless him, ease his mind, God posses me. 

i feel everything trying to protrude. my dreams are not even comfortable in my own skin.
my spirit keeps leaping. but I've put my heart on a short leash..
I wonder if anyone around me can feel everything inside me trying to get out?
I'm worried the longing in my heart will start producing a signal that someone might pick up on.

the ribbons holding me together i think are about to give way,

& I am about to burst.

all the goodness and all the ugliness isn't mixing and i'm pretty sure im having an allergic reaction. .

results may vary:

...

I got tossed whilst resigning myself from floating.. so I'm back in the air again preparing myself for a hard landing. good news though, I'm used to the motion sickness.

"charred by passion, and petrified by tears"

God i want to adore.. but not merely outward. rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle quiet spirit. which is very precious in your sight. To be the crown of a man after your own heart. to be not helpless but rescued.

You can drag me through any valley

or write my name in desert sands

Just as long as you know I'll be at your side until we meet our end.

& If one day we make it to the top of rocky mountain

or get to float in the bluest of oceans..

I'll never forget how we got there,

and how glad I am to know ya.

i'm trying to look before I fall.

i found out time can heal (most) ..anything

I'm as many or as un-many words as you like.

there once was a man who was writing in the sand
and acted like he couldnt hear me
I wonder what brought Him to this spot
when he turned to look at me
he said "do as your told and cast the first stone,
those of you who think your clean"
his eyes were strong
his hair was long
and i've never felt so heavy
I felt Him reach a part of me I thought I put to sleep
His amazing grace fell on my face and brought me to my knees

well I stood ashamed cause Ive cursed His name
but he wouldnt take His eyes off me
he said "your why I came, and I hope you feel the same,
Im so in love with you I wish you'd see."
His tough was warm & his hands were torn,
Ive never felt so much peace.
I felt Him reach a part of me I thought I put to sleep
His amazing grace fell on my face and brought me to my knees.
He said " i want you back
I hear "I want you back.

i have letters and songs that will never see the light of day.

My scars are healed and won't disapear. . .

but I don't know if I ever want them to, its the beauty of my vunerability and the strength of thick skin.

I'm so thankful that the moments I'v had made me feel so incredible.

There is no ugly, ugly enough or sadness sad enough to make the world I hold dear in my heart, not shine Wonderfully.

you just shine in all the beauty that you are

Dear Heavenly Father, thankyou for your grace. Your forgiveness is So good that I struggle with believing it at times. Thankyou for rescueing me from myself & giving me your Holy Spirit. Don't even quit pursueing me. I need you.
Your Love is Better than Life.


your heart and its magnetism, to the melodys in my soul. my stances and moments you take my breath away. in awe. why did you give a catapillar 228 muscles inside of its head? why would you choose me to dance when i chose to be dead. Really? REALLY? Lord, how are you SooO IN LOVE with someone who won't talk back, when ive given up but still felt attached, to your holy spirit that lifts me up and kisses my face, I know Lord, I KNOW that place. its the tickles of your beard across my cheeks i shouldnt of felt, because my flesh is weak. BUT BUt But BUT you Lord gave me your all. aaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllll the time, You even tell me "you are mine" & when i argue,, you love on me. & show me your the only place i need to be, . FATHER GOD i dont understand why you dont treat me like im a fool, you know more than I and just love me even when I dont do as I should. Oh MY GOD its hard to imagine my ways of thinking are unraveling. WOW lord. i ran out of things to say. Cause everything I do you WONT TURN AWAY.
help me listen lord help me stay. Lord I never want to be the same. It can't go back to the way things were, YOUR love touched me wWAYYY more than I deserved.

parts of me just move.... i can't explain it. I didn't know it was planted for my arms to move so rampid but for some reason its hardly forgiving because now its mostly irritating... impressing on the forfront, flashy and rhythmic. but the part of me I want moved the most just won't step up. put me into surgery touch my heart to yours, stop its slowing beats from idling. & becoming sore.

this deep rooted meaning, explosion in my soul. my heart is learning. why its wakin up screamin. say kid, you got somethin to offer! hey man, do you know anyone worth needin, change the subject tellin me my thoughts in order, perpendicular pretending organized and secret, yeah its "keeping my head from spinning". when really.. contrary to popular belief. systems AND citations. im singin. i am SINGIN. my head can't know what my heart remembers. but both of them are willing to surrender, this mind won't get into all this wonder, no crime is done when the heart ponders. waiting. new deep. new wind.but i'm lying to myself when i say i dont need anybody for the rest of my life. but don't tell me that. im keen on pretending.